Locate someone other than yourself. Make sure they have lips.
II Find out if the person you've located is agreeable to kissing. You can do this any way you want, except for asking.
III Make sure you have your lips with you. Nothing is more embarrassing than moving to kiss someone and realizing you've left your lips at home or in the car. Unless you happen to be in the car, where you can slyly move to adjust the radio, slapping on your lips during the confusion.
IV Tell the person their eyes make you want to do gymnastics, or at least be present where gymnastics are being done.
V Touch the hand. Any Hand. Not your own hand.
VI Lean your head forward at a slight angle (such as fifteen degrees) so your foreheads will connect first as if you're attempting a Vulcan mind meld. If your minds actually begin to meld MILK IT.
VII Slowly re-angle your head so your lips become parallel with his or hers. Practice this ahead of time using a protractor.
VIII Allow your lips to make contact with the other lips BUT DON'T MOVE THEM. Remain completely still for twenty-eight minutes or until you hear an electronic beeping indicating it is time to move to step nine. This time may vary depending on political climate and lip gloss.
IX Repeat steps five through eight.
X Clear your head so the only thing you can focus on is a PBS special on the clitoris.
XI Begin moving your lips in a slow up and down fashion, varying with left and right motions every fifteen seconds.
XII Force your tongue through your subject's lips and teeth. Fight past their tongue. Charge forward until you reach the uvula. Kissing is just an intimate game of Capture the Uvula.
XIII Abandon all tenderness with reckless nibbling of anything fleshy you encounter.